176

Weightloss gives me a headache.  This is so annoying.

Last night I saw Angela who has now lost two stone and looks SO much better.  She still weighs 13 and a half stone but looks like she weighs about 11.  Obviously a heavy person.  She really looks just fine.  Her key: no bread not booze.  Yeah booze.  Mmmm.

I am ready for the cake drop.  I have decided cake only on Saturdays.  Entire Victoria sponges will disappear but only one day a week.  I will do it.  Biscuits are banished.

Then it will be booze.  That is a tricky one though I have done it before so I can probably do it again.

178

I was asked last night if I am pregnant.  Oh Gawd.  I'm not am I?  Don't see how.  I think you are supposed to have sex to do that and I keep Mr Smith on rather short rations these days.  So mean.  Well, I am too fat.  I have to reduce this stomach, today, now.  Waddle waddle,  I swam yesterday.  Well done me.  I might eat very little today.  I know I will finish the cake because I will.  No biscuits, no bread, no diet coke, no chocolate, no cheese.  I should be able to manage that.

It's odd but since giving up bread and now biscuits and dc, my weight has increased.  Perhaps I should look at what I am eating rather than what I am not.  Shall I get a pregnancy test?

179

What happened?  I did not overeat any more than usual.  Why has my weight suddenly increased?  Well perhaps lack of exercise and too much ice cream, cake and alcohol.  No more.  This is diabolical.  

Cocacola and me

It is very very hot and I am getting fatter and fatter.  All this water is just staying on board.  I am lolling about like a ship in dock.  I want to get thinner.

Diet coke.  I have just read how evil and awful this stuff is.  I honestly thought because it was without cals it was the biz.  Actually, it keeps you fat just as much as the real stuff.  I need to drop it but I am probably addicted.  So it will be a gentle weening process.  Now that I know how terrible it is for you I am pretty hell bent on never touching it again.

So the list is:
Chocolate
Bread
Biscuits
Diet Coke.

176

I have woken up heavier than when I went to sleep.  How annoying is that.  Are there fat fairies that flit about administering fat to people throughout the night?  We did have a good dinner but not a gargantuan feast.  I an trying to work out how to lose two pounds before weigh in.  Even a massive poo probably isn't going to do more than 8oz max.

I have made a huge effort of late. Ideally I should have skipped dinner last night but PF was there so I had to sit down and eat with him.  I would so much have preferred a glass of water in front of the telly.  Bake off for torture!  Thursday's do need work.

175

I wish I could stop chasing the same five pounds round and round.  I was once 170.  Oh the bliss but oh the effort.  

176

I was expecting to have put on weight this weekend as I ate so much.  So nice that I haven't.

Saturday was a non stop hungover forage complete with amazing cake.
Yesterday was big breakfast, elevenses, big lunch, doughnut for tea, and gigantic bbq dins followed by amazing strawberry tart.  But I drank the water.  Not every sip yesterday but I did ok.  I am beginning to think it works, it is just hard work.

Mr Smith is going away for three days.  Oh how exciting. The boys will go back to their lair and I will be alone for three whole days and nights.  I could spend them in bed.  I won't.  Hairdressers first thing, then cleaning, laundry, ironing, getting boys off with all their laundry, visit mother in law and the allotment.  Painting and sewing.  I am going to be rushed off my trotters.  In fact 3 days is not nearly long enough.  One thing I will do is stick religiously to my diet.  I might have a piece of cake but I will not forage.  I have made fat burning soup to see me through the next few days.  There is also low fat jelly and lots of salad stuff.  I will send the scotch eggs and pork pies off with the boys to reside in their smelly fridge.

177

My son assures me if I drink lots of water I will get thin.  Well nothing is happening so far.  Maybe I am supposed to keep off the donuts and take some exercise.  Maybe without the water I would be heavier.

Barbecue for dinner - that is easy especially now that I don't eat bread.

My week looks so much easier to manage as Mr Smith is away.  I will freeze all leftovers and live off fat burning soup for three days.  And water.

176

I am immensely bored at weighing more than 170 lbs.

My new thing is water.  I downloaded an ap Water Your Body.  I told it I was an Olympian athlete who lives in a very hot climate because it was a bit it sunny and I dug the allotment.  When I owned up to being fat little sedentary me in the rain it lowered the prescribed water intake considerably.  It is now just about manageable.

I went to SW and was a hideous bigger than last week.  Why? Oh the gallons and gallons of water.  However, camel woman will continue to imbibe as it should be beneficial in some capacity.

Superbly weird cake in the oven.  I thínk it should be ok.  Figs and honey, somehow combined together without a calorie - probably not.

177

I put on weight and the idea is to lose it.

The void.  I have a terrible void which is sometimes a small chink and sometimes a huge gaping hole that needs filling but I have no idea with what.  Food doesn't seem to be it unless I eat til I am stuffed.  Drink might be the problem.  I can get very drunk and it closes up.  But the after effects are so ghastly I would rather not.  Smoking?  Sometimes that helps.  Company - maybe.  I think it is a feeling of wholeness and it is only full when I have achieved something.  A feeling of satisfaction is alluding me and I just don't seem to be able to fill the gap.  I am approaching it the wrong way.  I need to be told I am marvellous all the time and, although I do get at least one "brilliant" a day, it is just not enough.  I am never full.  I have to work this out otherwise I will be just stuffing and stuffing trying to fill the void and it will become ever larger and I will never be able to lose weight.

Things that make me really satisfied:
A good painting that sells.
A "brilliant" or similar sort of star for anything I have done.
A good piece of sewing.
A well grown vegetable.
A weightloss
A group of friends, nice ones.

But none of these make me satisfied for very long.  Of course when I look at that it is all about pride. If I feel proud of an achievement then I feel satisfied.  I haven't done anything that makes me feel proud lately.  All I have done is get drunk and stagger about with a hangover or slept all day or over eaten or done a teeny bit of painting.  Time to change that.