I put on weight and the idea is to lose it.
The void. I have a terrible void which is sometimes a small chink and sometimes a huge gaping hole that needs filling but I have no idea with what. Food doesn't seem to be it unless I eat til I am stuffed. Drink might be the problem. I can get very drunk and it closes up. But the after effects are so ghastly I would rather not. Smoking? Sometimes that helps. Company - maybe. I think it is a feeling of wholeness and it is only full when I have achieved something. A feeling of satisfaction is alluding me and I just don't seem to be able to fill the gap. I am approaching it the wrong way. I need to be told I am marvellous all the time and, although I do get at least one "brilliant" a day, it is just not enough. I am never full. I have to work this out otherwise I will be just stuffing and stuffing trying to fill the void and it will become ever larger and I will never be able to lose weight.
Things that make me really satisfied:
A good painting that sells.
A "brilliant" or similar sort of star for anything I have done.
A good piece of sewing.
A well grown vegetable.
A weightloss
A group of friends, nice ones.
But none of these make me satisfied for very long. Of course when I look at that it is all about pride. If I feel proud of an achievement then I feel satisfied. I haven't done anything that makes me feel proud lately. All I have done is get drunk and stagger about with a hangover or slept all day or over eaten or done a teeny bit of painting. Time to change that.
The void. I have a terrible void which is sometimes a small chink and sometimes a huge gaping hole that needs filling but I have no idea with what. Food doesn't seem to be it unless I eat til I am stuffed. Drink might be the problem. I can get very drunk and it closes up. But the after effects are so ghastly I would rather not. Smoking? Sometimes that helps. Company - maybe. I think it is a feeling of wholeness and it is only full when I have achieved something. A feeling of satisfaction is alluding me and I just don't seem to be able to fill the gap. I am approaching it the wrong way. I need to be told I am marvellous all the time and, although I do get at least one "brilliant" a day, it is just not enough. I am never full. I have to work this out otherwise I will be just stuffing and stuffing trying to fill the void and it will become ever larger and I will never be able to lose weight.
Things that make me really satisfied:
A good painting that sells.
A "brilliant" or similar sort of star for anything I have done.
A good piece of sewing.
A well grown vegetable.
A weightloss
A group of friends, nice ones.
But none of these make me satisfied for very long. Of course when I look at that it is all about pride. If I feel proud of an achievement then I feel satisfied. I haven't done anything that makes me feel proud lately. All I have done is get drunk and stagger about with a hangover or slept all day or over eaten or done a teeny bit of painting. Time to change that.
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