Porridge

Weight: 11.11
Good news, I haven't put on any more weight. I took myself for a swim and a sit in the steam room to help my stinky flu and hacking cough. Do I feel better? Not sure actually. I think I need an afternoon nap after a nice bowl of LL porridge.

Sweet and nasty

11.11
I took my eye off for one second and, although I ate very little, I ate sugary things and Wallop! Who's a fatso? Also I am ill and can't exercise.

No bread, no pasta, no rice, no sugar in any form - then I will be thin!

Battling

11.9 and battling.

OK - Sunday lunch was horrendous, but it could have been so much worse and seeing as it was preceded by a huge swim and followed by a long dog walk I think 2lbs was probably about right.

Today I walked and Zumbaed.

Christmas lunch is about 3,500 calories which would take 14 hours of brisk exercise to fight through - scary eh?

Dinner tonight is pretty easy. Mr Smith wants nothing. Kid wants leftover pie. Ill Apprentice wants soup and I can have diet food. All is happy.

Really down

Weight 11.7 .... for about five minutes but I was ready to pass out with hunger.

Will this week be a good week? Possibly. I can take control and watch the drinking then the eating should slot into place neatly behind.. The brill thing about LL is having the tools.

Binge

Weight: 11.9

But yesterday afternoon, if it didn't move I ate it. I ate a christmas cupcake that I didn't really like, then 4 M&S buttery biscuits of the big fat shortbread with bits of toffee, nuts or chocolate. Then I had a sarni, actually two, with a glass of wine at MR along with some crisps then when I got home I had more wine and the best part of a roast chicken with big chunks dipped in gravy along with a sausage and masses of camembert, more wine and some stilton then more of both of those. Am I mad? Probably.

Big swim today. Actually, now.

Undoing the damage

Weight 11.11

Going down, but what hard work. I am STARVING.

Oh woe is me

Weight: 11 13

OOOh eck. I went to a million parties and I must have accidentally eaten some of the guests.

Strange day

New loo seat encouraged a poo.
Swam 50 lengths. Didn't eat much but drank too much
Weight is a bit odd - I'll let you know tomorrow. It's somewhere between 11.8 and 11.10 depending on its location on the bathroom floor.

Swimmingly

11.9 but very bunged up.
Desperately need a poo then will be lighter. Also need some exercise - off to swim the Hellespont.

Hugely huge

Weight: 11.13
Stand back I'm going to explode.
Oh God, what happened? I know I went a bit off diet but this is diabolical. I will have to be golden all day for several days until I sort this out.
I did one and a half exercise classes today and felt fabbo. Next week I will do both all the way through. I had enough energy, just not enough time. I am going to conquer this damned weight problem. I want to be 10 stone something by Feb.

Up up and away

11.11
Oh dear. (Actually, it was 11.12 but I had a poo.)
This is because, despite swimming 50 lengths yesterday, I then went out for dinner and ate everything I could and drank everything I could so now I am enormously fat with an enormously fat hangover. Oh stupid me.

Slow slow quick quick snow

11.9
This is a gain but I am quite happy as too fast is too scarey and I want to slow down just a teeny bit. I kept pretty much on diet yesterday though I did have wine - bad girl.

I think I need my layers of fat to keep warm in this cold weather. Yesterday I did absolutely nothing but blob about lazily, spending much of the day in bed hiding from the snow. Today I will swim or at least go to Aqua Zumba if nothing else.

Or die trying

11.8
Blimey, that's a bit of a turn up. I am not even sure how it happened. I just ate my Lighterlife thingies and threw in the odd meal and got slaughtered one night and next thing I know I'm a whole heap lighter and Everyone has noticed how much thinner I am. This is exciting. I need to control it a bit as it's a bit too fast. My clothes fit. Not only that but clothes that have never fitted now fit. Dinner out on Wed will slow things down a bit.

And now I'm off to swim a mile.... ODT.

Not twelve stone

More 11.12 but so great not to be 12.11 or 12 anything.
Big dinner tonight - pork with crackling and veg and I did have a roast potato and 1 small glass of red wine and a chocolate button or two. I'll probably fry in hell ... in pork fat. I so hope I am not mega heavy tomorrow. It was so lovely to eat a proper meal for once. I feel full and happy.

Elevenses

Weight: 11.12
Hoo bloody ray.

Mrs Botox head

Weight: 12 stone
My weight just isn't moving. Well, it is but paraplegically slowly. I wanna be thin and wanna be thin now.

In a lunatically vain moment yesterday I had botox. This was a bit like several angry bees visiting my head for a stinging contest. I can notice absolutely no difference whatsoever except some tiny bruises on my forehead and some little red spots around my eyes. Apparently, it takes a few days to really work. Oh the price of vanity ... £350 to be precise.

I have my period ... groan.

Lazing in bed

Weight: 12stone 1 and a bit.

Why doesn't it go down? Probably because instead of gracing Zumba class with my presence I am in bed writing this - lazy tart.

I have moved my Lighter life class from Tues to Thurs which suits me just fine as I hate the awful negative cow in my class and don't feel all that motivated by the young people in my group. I need people like me - Mums. Also I can't hack evenings.

I am still two and a half stone heavier than I want to be. I have to shift this. Next Thursday I need to be 11 and a half stone. I have a nasty feeling it isn't going to happen. I will try.

Back to the shops to return the clothes that don't fit because I am too bloody fat for them and get some more nice underwear in my real size.

Weight: 12stone 1

This is v annoying as I thought I'd cracked the 12 stone marker - evidently not. Feeling fat I went to Zumba at East Sheen. I get knackered too quickly.

I think my weight gain was due to my enormous curry last night even though I was so perfect the rest of the day.

I'll do it. I'm determined.

Eleven and a half please

Weight: 12stone

I am going to do this. I feel 11 and a half stone looming beautifully on the horizon and at 11.3 I can fit into most of my clothes. I had a good day yesterday and, with the exception of a few buttons, I followed it pretty much to the letter.

Water actually does help you lose weight. I ate an ENORMOUS dinner of the permitted variety and did not put on weight.

I am beginning to get the family on board and understand the way it works. I eat dinners, not lunches or teas or cooked breakfasts. I have my yucky little meal replacements and I get thin. Got it? I just about have. I am excited about losing weight. It's now my new hobby. It may even be my job.

Chocolate buttons do not make you thin. I really should not have a huge jar of Montezuma's giant chocolate buttons in the kitchen. All I do is eat them.

I have just reread the client's charter on Lighter Life and there are certain things that need to be taken to task. Firstly, talking about certain foods. Secondly, talking about me. I am tempted to raise these issues in the next meeting. There's nothing more boring or unhelpful than some sod going on and on about their yummy macademia nuts or maltesers. After all I don't decide to rave about montezuma's giant buttons. If anyone ever says they've seen me at a Lighterlife meeting they will be dead. Teacher, please note.

I must stop eating crap

Weight 12.1
Well pissed off today as I wanted to be 11 stone something and I am not. This is probably because I keep tipping loads of wine, chocolate, sandwiches and anything else I can down my big fat throat. I did swim yesterday but then hit the bar afterwards in a stupid moment.

May today be better - please.

The masterplan

Still 12 bloody stone!

Oh well, I have been drinking far too much wine so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised and I forgot that pizza is like poison to my body. It goes all large in response.

However, yesterday I did manage a fairly perfect LL day. I don't like the meal replacements but I just think of them as magic medicine that will make me thin.

How long will this take? Let's see. Maybe 4 pounds a week and I have about 20 pounds to lose. Gosh that's a mere 5 weeks until some of my clothes fit. Then we have Christmas which will probably be a bit tricky. Then back on track in Jan ready to get the last bits off for the Caribbean holiday in Feb. What a masterplan.

Twelve stone

Weight 12stone 0lbs
I am now two and a half stone overweight as opposed to three stone. Lighter Life may be vile and it may be expensive but it truly works.

The pee stick is dead weird. You have these little sticks that you pee on and, a bit like a pregnancy tester, the end changes colour depending on how you are doing. Mine went off the scale in the dark red zone. Apparently I need to drink more water. Oh yes, I'd forgotten about that. I'd been buzzing around all day with only time for one cup of tea in Selfridges. I must stock up on waters so I can carry a small bottle with me in my bag.

It works

Weight: 12.2

I haven't managed to give up alcohol. In fact on Thursday I got very drunk. However, over the weekend I really got into the diet and now it's going better. You have to think of the potions like medicine that will make you thin. Some of them are nasty medicines. But they do make you lose weight. I am doing well and to be honest, this is about day 4 rather than the prescribed day 7.

At Zumba yesterday I was the fattest in the class, by a long way. It was dispiriting. I now know why I am doing this. I absolutely have to lose weight. I also booked a Caribbean holiday in February and for that I most definitely cannot be this fat. Oh no sir.

Disaster Day

I ate my diet then felt hungry so ate everything I could. I then felt ill. I don't think chocolate, cheese and wine mix well with diet potions. I will be better today. But I don't think I'll ever ditch everything. It's too drastic. Maybe I should give myself a no alcohol 2 weeks. That should do the trick.

Lighter life was a bit of a disappointment. It's posh Weightwatchers with potions. The packet foods are simply Slimfast type things, too sweet and too tiny. It was also all a bit disorganised. It took forever to be weighed and measured. I wanted to eat cream buns and yell "I like food and being fat isn't that bad". Then I thought "Actually, being this fat is very bad." So I paid my money for my bits of blotting paper, or whatever the porridge is made from, and I am now a subscriber to the multi million pound diet industry of Britain. The whole thing seemed to take about two hours - most of which was spent sitting around doing nothing. I was so hungry I thought I would eat my guide to lighterlife lite booklet. When I got home I ate everything I could find i.e a bit of hard cheese, some mouldy grapes and the remains of a packet of chocolate buttons.

Lighter Life Day

Weight: 12stone 3lbs

Aha, this is good because my BMI will be perfect for Lighterlife but this is bad because in order to get to this weight I have survived for two days on appetite suppressants, no food and very little sleep. I will probably put on weight when I start the diet.

I have an appointment at 7.45pm today and I am really excited. I am going to be less fat - wheeehee.

People keep telling me I'm not fat but Mr Smith and I agree that three stone is two stone too many overweight. So I am aiming at 10 and a half stone and a size 14.

Not quite there

Weight: 12stone 5lbs
Problem: Lighter life weigh you with clothes on then calculate your BMI ...
Tomorrow.

It all went very well yesterday, then we had Steak & Kidney pudding for dinner. It was really good.... especially the suet pastry. I was so full.

Dancing this morning, then walking and lots of water.

Thin fat fat

I felt very thin yesterday. As I walked down Exhibition Road my jeans felt extremely loose and my belt had to move in a notch but then I ate lunch ... and ate tea .... and ate dinner and chocolate and all sorts of lovely things and now I weigh ...

12 stone 6 pounds

And I feel fat.

Lighter Life is on 2nd November when I have to weigh about 12 4 because you have to allow for clothes. I have a week on my own coming up so let's hope I can shift some over the next 5 days.

huge

12 stone 6lbs

Oh no. I am really heavy. I do have my period which might account for some of it but I have to lose this. I cannot hang onto this weight like some ghastly old jumper that I love and can't bring myself to part with.

Rising dough

12stone 5lbs and rising
Oh Shit. All food makes me fat. I think I might try Lighter Life. I have GOT to lose weight.
Yesterday I Zumbaed and swam and dog walked and went to college and shagged Mr Smith but I ate too much dinner and a zillion cupcakes.
Today I have my period and I am having lunch with ID Jane.

Going up

Weight: 12stone 5lbs
Oh fuck. Well, I have to admit if it stood still I ate it yesterday so only two pounds up seems modest. In order to get this sorted out I am going madly exercising today. I am determined not to put on weight. I am no longer feeling weird and have recovered a voracious appetite. It will be quelled with lettuce not chocolate.

Normality returns

12stone 3lbs
Appetite is back. I feel just wonderful but I am terrified that my weight will go shooting up again. I will exercise more.
I ate lunch at a fabulous Italian restaurant - really fabulously fabulous. I am so full. I then had tea with ID Jane and ate cupcakes (yes, more than one). I want dinner but think I'd better be careful as it could be disastrous.
I am so cosy right now and sort of in love ... with myself. The temptation to treat myself with food is very great.

Bye bye Baby

Weight: 12stone 3lbs
Feeling: Considerably less huge
Wanting: To chuck someone.

I feel omnipowerful. Queen Bitch. I am out to clean up my life - less fat, less crap, less being continuously nice.

Fat day

Weight: 12stone 4lbs
Feeling: Really fat
Needing: Space
Eating: Much more.
Goal: 3 meals a day and 12stone by Thursday.

Appetite has improved. Had lunch out with Ben, ate it all. Must stop drinking wine. Went shopping but too fat for any of the clothes. Must dance and swim.

Getting there

Weight: 12stone 4lbs
Feeling: Odd and very unhungry
In need of: A hug
Avoiding: Contact.

A bigger splash

Weight: 12stone 5lbs
Mood: a bit blue
Want: To chuck the lover
Enjoying: A glass of wine

I went swimming today. Outside. It was damned cold but beautifully sunny.

Little Miss Sunshine

Weight 12stone 6lbs
Thinking: Immoral thoughts
Wanting: A lover
Feeling: I'm walking on Sunshine woahoah ... and it really feels good.

I really wish I had lost weight when I could have done and not blobbed about because now, when it matters, I am too fucking fat. Oh well. Love me, love my flabby bits.

I've cracked it

The solution: Fall in love and lose loads of weight. It's easy. Admittedly you will feel absolutely revolting and want to vomit all the time. You are fit for nothing more than staring vacantly into space for hours on end and even the tiniest of tasks, such as ironing, become Herculean. However, the weight loss is drastic.

Weight today: 12stone 7lbs

I want the biscuit AND to be thin

Suffering from the most ghastly cold imagineable. Mr Smith bought us donuts for supper and they were perfect comfort food for us snivelling wrecks.

I am just too ill to think about weight and diets and that crap right now. Stayed in bed yesterday morning and read Arabella Weir's new book The Real Me is Thin. It was disappointing. It could have been written by me. I am almost coming round to the whole "I want the chocolate biscuit more than I want to be thin" thing ... but not quite.

New own goal

Weight: 12stone 9lbs
Interesting. I can actually eat loads and loads of absolute crap such as donuts, cupcakes, profiteroles etc. without putting on weight.
Therefore, by not eating these things I should lose loads of weight. Let's give it a go shall we?

Goal: 12.5 by 5th October so I can join Lighter Life and be thinner but poorer.

Strange shapes

Honestly, I am so fat at the moment, it's horrific. I just pretend I'm not and waddle off to Aqua Zumba regardless. The teacher told me I looked like I'd lost loads of weight. What? Well, she's just bonkers and wants me to attend all her classes. Then the Dynamic Denise came round for my cupcake masterclass and she also said I was looking quite thin. But I'm fucking huge. This is very disconcerting. I ate a few cupcakes and mulled it over.

I have ordered Arabella Wier's book - The Real Me is Thin. This sounds like it was written for me.

Wedding Anniversary dinner was a bit of an overeat followed by a dreadful dream where I had to help organise a big party where people brought the food. Of course there was tons left over and I kept eating it and eating it as I cleared up. I couldn't fit in any more but I still just kept eating. I woke up several times in the night feeling very full but I just went back into the dream and ate more.

Post Canada

Weight 12.9
which isn't that bad all considering. All I ate in Canada was non stop donuts. No actually, that is not all I ate because I then ate huge meals interspersed with donuts until I couldn't actually fit in any more food.

Dilemma: I am too heavy for Lighterlife light but too light for the real programme. I can either eat masses and masses until I am really heavy or diet until by BMI is 29.9. It's only about four pounds to lose. I can do it.

Disatisfied

This is really odd - no I mean strangely strange. There I was driving along when all of a sudden I had a craving. Not just a mild "I would quite fancy ..." No, it was more of "If I don't get a cream cake in the next half hour I am going to kill someone." I couldn't have been that hungry because I'd had my nasty little birdseed breakfast. I think it was a monster carb/sugar craving. I do think I genuinely needed something sweet but probably not 2 slices of strawberry cheesecake, 2 cream slices, 2 mini battenburgs and 3 french fancies and some milk. Oh dear. I now feel quite dizzy with a slight pain in my tummy. I don't think it's hunger. But you know what's really odd? I could happily eat it all again.

Oh 12.8 today

Hangover

Went to Birmingham and ate a lovely picnic lunch with friends and wine then in the evening cooked a fabulous dinner and ate and drank enormous quantities which resulted in me neither weighing nor feeling quite my normal self. In fact I had to retire to my bed or sofa for two days. It was a bad one.

However, I am better now and have been prancing about trying to make up for my total lack of energy over the weekend.

Weight: Oh I dunno.
Diet: Eating anything that looks like food.

Hot head

Exercising makes my hair all sweaty.

Groovin' along

Weight: 12.6
Mood: Groovy

Went to Zumba class in Roehampton last night and nearly died. It was brill but lasted a whole hour. I was very red in the face afterwards for ages. In fact I was still quite red this morning. I have looked this up and it's all about not getting enough oxygen around your body. Sounds scarey - heart condition or maybe I just forget to breath as I am concentrating so hard on the moves.

Half Way

Weight: 12stone 7lbs Don't know how.
Mood: Euphoric

Ate quite a lot this weekend - lovely Sunday lunch of salady things as the weather cheered up and became all summery in the afternoon. Then I had to plough through a roast dinner that I didn't really want. I would have happily settled for a glass of water.

Looking forward to my Zumba class this morning, if I am able to get there. This might be tricky as I have to wait in for cow collectors. If not, I will do gym things and then swim. The gym equipment is so confusing - lots of computer screens with readouts and tv programs. I will crack it and try to avoid the attention of a personal trainer. they have all the charm of a darleck.

Back on Track

Weight: 12.8 - Less than Mr Smith weyhey!
Mood: Positive
Goal: 4lbs over the next 10 days. This is realistic, any more would be a bonus. OK I've moved the goalpost, don't tell me you've never done that.

I am less fat. My huge stomach has subsided. I am feeling much fitter. I am in a really good mood. I am wearing a lovely spotty jersey that Claudia loves and a pair of leggings that almost fit. It's all much better.

Actually, I am a bit pissed as we have just had champagne in celebration of no kids this weekend! Weehee.

How to feel really fat

My thinnest friend, Marietta, turned up to aerobics this morning. To say she is a bit thin is like saying Dawn French is a bit fat. In fact she looks very anorexic and her skinniness frightens people. So there we were in the class of fit people looking like Little and Large. I have never felt so fat.

Weight: Don't ask
Goal: Might have to be reset
Feeling: Bloody enormous.

Carb Bender

Oh dear oh dear. Bad bad bad big fatty fatso. I ate and ate and ate for two days non stop; every calorie and carb I could find I shoved into my fat gob. Some of it was nice, some of it was glorious but mostly it was just a vehicle to quell the ravenous hunger I was suffering as a symptom of a hangover x 2. And now I don't want to do anything except stay in bed, but I did that yesterday. I think it's mind over matter and a swim at the very least if not Zumba class as well.

Weight: Fuck knows - far too ashamed to look.
Mood: Heavy and half asleep.

Later the same day

I didn't go to Aqua Zumba, I will fry in Fat Hell instead.
And I had cooked beakfast.
And two biscuits.
Then I made some damson jam from our damsons.
I really really want a cup cake.

Jellied Eels

Weight: 12.9
Only one pound of collateral damage. That's not too bad. We went to a fish restaurant and I tried jellied eels - they were vile. Then I had horrible fish with nasty underdone chips. And lots of nice wine. I now have an upset stomach and I feel hungover. I can't face aqua zumba today. Oh maybe I should go. It'll wake me up. Actually, I feel sick.

Salad and stuff

Weight: 12.8
Not only am I going out for lunch today but also dinner - oh God help me.

Later pm: Ate a sensible worthy little salad for lunch but was so hungry had to resort to strawberry cheesecake for pudding. I now feel full and in need of a little rest before the next bout of eating. At least I didn't drink any alcohol. I'll do that tonight.

A bit better

Weight 12.9
Better, not actually reaching for the sharp instruments with which to slash my wrists -but nearly.

Woops

Weight: 12.11
Oh bloody hell. No idea how this happened. I am now going to kill myself.

Fairy cakes don't make fairy weight

I have piled on masses of weight. How? I thought I was being super careful -obviously not. I did eat the odd extra thing and I did go out for a curry last night but all was teeny. I will have to work harder at this. I'm not sure I can.

Weight: 12.10
Diet: Gone a bit wrong
Mood: Suicidal

I think I did that thing of "I've eaten my diet so now I'll have something else."
Cup cakes are not good. They really make me fat. I also had a scone and then curry and a glass of wine - it all mounts up.

Zumba cake eater

For breakfast today I ate a blueberry muffin and a fucking fairy cake and I so so so wish I hadn't. I also wish I hadn't eaten yesterday's ciabbatta roll or giant helping of lasagne.

Today's weight: 12.8 and a half pounds.
Goal: Always a good idea to keep one in mind. 11.13 (9 pounds) Come on!

I went to Zumba today. I loved it. I sweated and jiggled and wiggled and jumped and jazzed and zumba zumbaed. I am going to get thinner doing that, definitely. I was by far the fattest person in the class. I probably always will be looking at the build of most of those stick insects but I could be a bit less huge. I must do more zumba and less cake eating.

The blueberry muffin

For breakfast I ate a blueberry muffin with cheesecake icing. Number of cals: Approx 3,000,000 and some more for the blueberry on the top. What I could do: Sit around all day fretting about the ingested muffin; try to sick it up; take laxatives to get it through me; eat all the other muffins in the batch; cry; moan about how fat I am to anyone who will listen; get on with my day and stick to my diet as though this had never happened. I think I'll pick the last one please Chris, final answer.

Weight: same as yesterday.

Six pounds and counting

I did it all perfectly for one day. I ate my fruit and nuts for breakfast, my gooey chocolate bar, my lunchtime drink and another different super sickly bar and then my Hungarian goulash for dinner and now I weigh:

12stone 8lbs

I know it's not a huge loss but it's a really brilliant shift from 13stone and, although it feels like I've been doing this forever, it's only been a few days. (About 9).
Only one more pound to go then I will have lost half a stone. weehee.

So now we have 8lbs to lose in 21 days. Swimming today or aqua zumba if I get a move on.

Just the same

Here's something surprising. After a delicious dinner cooked by Internet Dating Jane, I did not wake up in the morning 3 stone lighter. I woke up in the morning exactly the same weight as yesterday.

Starting weight: 13stone
Current weight: 12stone 9 lbs
Story so far: 5lbs down
Diet: Slimfast, half heartedly.

Slimfast - Fast slim

Starting weight: 13 stone
Current weight: 12stone 9lbs
Diet: Slimfast

Feeling: Happy to have ditched 5 pounds in one week - a good start to my pre-Canada diet.

Slimfast drinks and bars are disgustingly sweet. They are also very high in calories. I think after a week or so I will start substituting them with things of the equivalent number of calories - things I actually like. I would love the shakes as pudding but not two of them for lunch - just way too sickly. Maybe they are good way to persuade you to eat FOOD ie these are disgusting, why not try food for lunch? It's a whole heap nicer.

DO NOT READ THIS

Do not attempt to read any of the following drivel. It will be boring beyond arse numbing. It is simply a vehicle for me to try and stick to a diet of some sort and will probably go along the lines of "Got up ate breakfast went for a walk etc etc." Actually, my other blog isn't much better but having this one on the go might keep the dreary diet stuff off the more fun pages of my life.

Starting weight: 13 stone
Current weight: 12stone 10pounds
Current goal: 11 stone 13 pounds
Reason for dieting: Forthcoming trip to Canada.
Current diet: Slimfast
Current mood: OK. Avoiding mirrors and photos of self.
Clothes size: 18 cramming myself into a 16.